ryan

I would like to welcome you to this " Memorial Page" for my beloved son Ryan. I hope you stay long enough to read about Ryan and how much he means to us . May God Bless you and your family.

I Called Him Ryan…

I will share a poem written for Ryan on his 21^st birthday, May 4^th, 1998, by me, his mother who loved him with all of her heart!!!

Bonding With My Son…

I believe the poem validates all that Ryan encompasses to me. The day Ryan arrived he taught me the meaning of the word Love. The day Ryan passed away; he taught me the meaning of how to begin to live life to the fullest.

Ryan came into my life on Wednesday May 4^th, 1977 at exactly 4:29 p.m. (what do they say about “Wednesday’s Child”?). Wednesday’s child is full of woe. Tragically, Ryan’s life was full of woe.

Ryan passed away on Friday, March 16^th, 2001, from a heroin overdose. It is not fully determined the exact time that he passed from this life to the next, but I would venture to say it was somewhere around 3 or 4 a.m. His dear brother, Michael found him on Ryan’s bedroom floor later that morning when Michael arrived home from his job. I was already at work on my job when I got the hellacious phone call. Later, the medical examiner would relay to me that not a great deal of substance was found in Ryan’s body, but that the substance had been laced/lethal with what is known as a “bad” mix equaling bleach or something of that nature.

When Ryan passed away, our lives were completely shattered. Ryan’s death has had a devastating effect on my surviving son and myself, as far as our relationship is concerned. At first, I could not comprehend why this was so, now I have slowly and delicately come to realize that our love and bond for our Dear Precious Ryan was so strong and so fierce that it was like an earthquake, we were left with a Huge hole/void, we were tragedy struck and had to learn to live all over again, so to speak. I have talked to many other families that have gone through the kind of loss that Michael and I have experienced; one family in particular told me that it took them five years to even begin to attempt to heal from this. Michael and I are slowly finding ways to grieve that do not hinder one another as our styles of grieving are, of course, so very, very different.

At the time of his death, Ryan was six weeks shy of his 24^th birthday. He was 6’5” and 235 lbs. – a rock of a man. He was becoming. He reminded me of a HUGE TREE as far as his stature was concerned. However, Ryan was referred to as the Gentle Giant in some circles because his heart and soul were gentle as a mouse. We nicknamed Ryan “Big Ry” because he was just that - BIG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In fact, my license plate now reads, “Big Ry”!!!

Ryan was an incredible gift in (and to) my life. He was such a comforting and loving soul. There were times in my life where he found me upset and his big self would get down on one knee and gently take my hand into his and he would look up at me with his beautiful hazel eyes, and say, “Mother what’s wrong?” His concern would melt away my pain and I would no longer be upset about whatever was bothering me at that moment in time. That is the kind of son he was!!!

Ryan loved 2Pac & Biggie and Hip Hop, MTV, Real World and dirt bikes and motorcycles and gorgeous women (LOL). He loved the ocean and his boogie board. He absolutely loved food and loved to eat. He was always remembered for having a spill on his shirt or a dropping of food around his mouth. He was a big eater. He loved skate boarding. He loved children, and the Down and Out – The Under Dog. He listened intently when people spoke to him. He was a confidante to others. His friends would bring their woes to him and he would take them on and listen. He was always a shoulder for others to lean on.

Ryan was very proud of the fact that he was Irish, he always made a big deal out of St. Patrick's Day and dressing up for Halloween, in fact, the last Halloween party he attended with his girlfriend, they won the grand prize together. He loved to listen to Music in general, he was very proud of his sunburnt orange 97 Nissan Pick Up Truck!!! Ryan loved the summertime along with steamed crabs and cook outs and swimming. He loved Amusement Parks ie; Kings Dominion and the fastest Roller Coasters!!! His favorite dog, were Rottweilers! You could always find Ryan watching the Discovery Channel or the Weather Channel, Ryan was a Huge fan of Snow Storms, he loved the snow, he would wait for days for the snow to arrive if a storm was in the forecast, once it began to snow, you'd find him out in it, and you couldn't get him to come back in, I often saw him laying in the center of the snow, creating angel wings. He loved watching things that he could learn about, he liked watching the Trauma stories on T V, often telling me, he would have liked to be a trauma doctor, he was interested in becoming an EMT., I would always comment that I thought he would make an excellent EMT because his presence was so very calming.

Ryan Absolutely Loved Ocean City Maryland and every summer he would move down to the beach and live there for the entire summer and work at Bull On The Beach where he would serve delicious pit beef sandwiches & fries !!! He loved working there. He also was a HUGE Baltimore Ravens and Baltimore Orioles Fan... In fact, Ryan and I had the sheer pleasure of watching the Last Super Bowl together, the game was just 6 weeks shy of his death, Together, Ryan and I watched the Baltimore Ravens win the 2001 Super Bowl. Ryan was absolutely beside himself over the fact that “Our Boys” had in fact made it to the Super Bowl and that we went on to Win the Super Bowl for the first time in many many years!!! The phone was ringing off the hook that day, for Ryan to join his friends to watch the Super Bowl with them, but Ryan said, "Oh No, I will be watching the Super Bowl with my dear, sweet Mamma !!! and after the game, I will join each of you..." I am so very glad Ryan chose to watch his last Super Bowl with me. Ryan also Loved Snakes and Tattoo's, he had several snakes and several tattoo's. He was always trying to talk me into getting a Tattoo, to which I would always reply, "Ryan what would I want with a Tattoo?", Well, Lo & Behold, the last birthday Ryan spent with me, he talked me into getting a Tattoo of an Angel for my 45^th birthday in August 2001, he suggested I needed to have a mid life crisis & get a Tattoo! (lol) Once again I am so very glad that I listened to his direction. My angel Tattoo holds a most precious place within my heart...

Ryan struggled with learning problems, and had a devastating low self-esteem. Ryan’s was a long traumatic birth and delivery (4 days to be exact). Ryan’s head was lodged in the birth canal, he weighed close to 11 lbs at birth, and he was 2 feet long. The doctors told my X-husband that we might not make it through the birth, Ryan and I because of all the extenuating circumstances. I attribute Ryan’s slowness and learning barriers to his horrific birth. The amniotic fluid had long since dried up in my womb. I learned Ryan was living on nothing in the womb for God knows how long. He was even 3 weeks late! The doctors could not believe his heart was still beating from all of this. We learned in addition, there was fecal matter in the womb. This occurred in 1977 however, I do not believe a birth of this nature could/would occur today as I was a clinic patient in 1977, and totally out of their league to say the very least about this particular clinic. I will probably never understand why the clinic permitted me to go 3 weeks past my due date and then to allow me to labor for 4 solid days. I believe the nature of Ryan’s birth had a very negative effect on Ryan overall in his later development. His speech and thought processing were always very slow. And like many young people, Ryan’s learning barriers went undetected, found or helped.

He went on to struggle greatly in school and later on, he became a statistic when he dropped out of high school after failing the 9^th grade for the third time.

Later he would enter a Program called “Challenge” for kids who could try to get their GED’s, Ryan failed the GED twice by just 2 points. This was a 6-month intense program where the students lived on an army base for 6 months. It was a boot camp experience. Ryan came home with a lot of positives from that experience in his life, but he came home more discouraged that he could not pass the GED.

It pains me to say that Ryan was also a victim of sexual abuse by a local neighborhood babysitter. Ryan was just a tender 4 years of age when all of this was discovered, he was in therapy for 2 years and his counselor told me that Ryan wouldn’t be able to endure a prosecuting trial, because of the very fragility of his personality, and she did not feel he would be able to take the stand, to which she advised me, in this case it would be best not to prosecute.

In 1987, It was just my 2 sons and myself. I raised my sons virtually alone from the time they were both 8 and 9 years of age, it was during that time that their father chose to walk…

Ryan didn’t have a good relationship with his dad, and not because he didn’t want to, but because his dad chose not to. Ours was clearly a case, where the father seemed to favor one son over the other, and that is from my perspective of things. This will be an area that is more discussed in the upcoming book. But I believe that the way Ryan’s father treated him had a hellacious effect on Ryan overall.

Tragically hindsight is 20 – 20, as they say. As, I look back, I am so very saddened that Ryan’s self esteem was so low and mutilated by so many horrible occurrences throughout his life. He was always quite troubled and for good reason, and as I look back now, I see that his entire life was just one big snow ball effect that led to later events; such as, low self esteem, learning problems, emotional problems, alcohol and drug abuse, which tragically ended in fatality…

I had a memorial brick placed in his honor at the Harley Davidson shop locally in our town and it stated, “Only God Can Judge You, Big Ry”!!! His 2Pac poster reads that saying which is still up on his bedroom wall, which is now my office.

I have decided to share more about Ryan in a personal book that I am writing about him in the upcoming future. It is my intention and hopes to soften people ideals and misconceptions when it comes to the very nature of addiction. I, myself also had a very hard life and troubled childhood, just as Ryan did. And, while I did not choose drugs as a way to cope, however my incredibly beautiful and very dear son did. I will Never look down my nose on him, or in anyway judge him for his weaknesses as I have a set of my own, they were just different than his.

May God rest & now keep dear Ryan’s precious soul, I am fully confident that Ryan now soars in Heaven and is no longer in deep tormenting pain. I, Praise God that Ryan is now free from the demons of this life…

Today, I write this message here for the first time in 2 years, what I haven’t even been able to go near up until this moment and opportunity to create a Web Page for dear Ryan,

I loved Ryan with all of my heart and soul. There are no ways to express the loss of him. I just wish to say, your brother Michael and I, Love You and Cherish You Precious, Sweet Ryan and we both long for the day to behold you again!!! All of My Love, Your Mother!!!